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[Jonny]

Thanks to the generous guys over at Nucleus Films we've got a copy of their latest DVD to give away.

Grindhouse Trailer Classics is a two hour compilation of theatrical trailers for the sleazy cinematic sub-genre know as 'Grindhouse'. Featuring films such as They Call Her One Eye, The Thing With Two Heads, Three On A Meathook, Ilsa: She Wolf Of The SS, Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, Blood Sucking Freaks, The Corpse Grinders, Wham Bam Thank You Spaceman and many more.

Also included on the disc is a bonus featurette that explores the history of Grindhouse cinema, Bump n' Grind, presented by Emily Booth (star of Evil Aliens and Pervirella and presenter of the TV shows outTHERE and Shock Movie Massacre) and written by Stephen Thrower, the acclaimed author of Nightmare USA: The Untold Story of the Exploitation Independents. And if that wasn't enough for genre fans, the DVD also features exclusive artwork by illustrator and painter Graham Humphreys, the artist behind the theatrical poster campaigns for The Evil Dead and A Nightmare On Elm Street.

www.nucleusfilms.com

More info on how to win this DVD next Tuesday

[MarcMorris]

There's also a grindhouse poster gallery on there as well as optional English subtitles so you can turn the sound down, switch the subs on and play some party music, whilst getting arseholed. The subtitles really do add to the fun of the whole thing I find, as the voice-overs really do take some beating.

[Paul]

Following on from our innovative Bergman competition last week, we've got a copy of Nucleus Film's storming GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS to give away. Rather than doing a more traditional quiz, we thought it would be more interesting to take a different approach to this competition...

By now, you lot have proven your love for all things exploitation-related; after all, it was your passion for trash that brought you to our humble forum in the first place. You've cultivated an admiration for films that thrive on their outlandishness, and what we want is for you to come up with the plot for the most outrageous Grindhouse flick you'd like to see. With this in mind, we want the blurbs written in the style of the typically sensationalist voiceovers that accompanied the previews, as celebrated in GRINDHOUSE TRAILER CLASSICS.

Competition opens tomorrow, and closes Monday 1st October: the official release date of the DVD. The most elaborate, original and fun-filled entry wins.

Good luck!

[IL COMMISSARIO]

NEW YORK CITY…1973...”MEAN” WILLY GREEN CAME HOME FROM THE WAR…HIS BROTHER DEAD…

BLACK DYNAMITE: ”Damn!”

HIS GIRLFRIEND KIDNAPPED…

BD: ”Damn!”

NOW, BLACK DYNAMITE IS GOIN’ BACK TO WAR!

(A car is blown up…)

WOMAN: “Why they call you Black Dynamite?”

BD: “I’m hot, baby! I like to blow shit up!”

(explosion…)

(Man goes through wall…)

BD: “Talk crackerjack! Who killed my brother?! And my woman, where is she, huh?!”

THUG: “They took her!”

BD: “Who took her?!”

…BRUNHILDA VON BLITZKRIEG…THE CRAZED HALF MAN, HALF WOMAN LEADER OF THE NEW ORDER OF NAZI SADISTS! WATCH AS THEY TURN MEN INTO MONSTERS CRAVING THE WARM FLESH OF THEIR VICTIMS…!

(Naked men and women are torn apart and devoured by the monsters…)

SAVAGE SUPER SOLDIERS…THE PAWNS OF THE NASTY NAZIS HELL-BENT ON THE CONQUEST OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

BRUNHILDA: “Pledge your loyalty to the order of the New Reich! Death to America and all that it stands for!!”

NAZIS: “Sieg Heil!!! Sieg Heil!!! Sieg Heil!!!

…AND INTO THIS ISLAND OF HELL’S HOT COMES…

(A man runs and triple kicks another man then kicks a series of attackers surrounding him…)

THE IRON FIST ASSASSIN…A FORMER YELLOW PERIL HITMAN DESCENDED FROM AN ANCIENT SECT OF CHINESE PROFESSIONAL KILLERS NOW A HIRED HAND FOR THE CIA TO BUST OPEN THE NAZI CRIME CIRCUIT THREATENING AN ALL OUT WAR!

HE’S ROUGH, TOUGH & HARD TO BLUFF. WATCH AS HE KUNG FU KICKS HIS WAY THROUGH AN ARMY OF NAZI NEANDERTHAL SUPER MONSTERS…!

(Unleashes a flurry of kicks on three of the Ape-like creatures…)

THE MASTER OF THE DEATH TOUCH…!

(Hwang thrusts his metal hand into one of the creatures stomachs disemboweling it…)

TOGETHER, THEY MAKE AN UNSTOPPABLE DEADLY DUO! BRINGERS OF CARNAGE AND CHAOS! A DOUBLE DOSE OF BLACK ACTION & ASIAN SENSATION!

(Multiple explosions amidst various action bits…)

SEE BLACK DYNAMITE & IRON FIST UNCOVER THE NEW REICH’S SEX RACKETS & THE FATE OF THOSE WHO FAIL TO SELL THEIR SKIN FOR PROFIT…

IRON FIST: “The girls…they use them for the prostitution rackets. The ones that don’t make money are used to breed with these creatures. Your brother owed the brothels a lot of money. When he couldn’t pay, they killed him and took your girlfriend as payment. She is here…somewhere on this island.”

BRED FOR THE PERVERSE PLEASURE OF THE APE-MEN & THE DEPRAVED DECADENCE OF BRUNHILDA VON BLITZKRIEG & HER CIRCLE OF FILTH…!

(Brunhilda gets off on an offscreen rape of a female captive…)

SEE BLACK DYNAMITE & IRON FIST CAPTURED & FORCED TO FIGHT IN AN UNHOLY COMBAT OF SLAUGHTER AGAINST GROUPS OF UNFED AND TORTURED PRISONERS…

(Black Dynamite and Iron Fist duel with the crazed captives…)

…WHOSE VICTORY YIELDS THEIR FREEDOM FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE BRUTAL BRUNHILDA VON BLITZKRIEG…!

BRUNHILDA: “The both of you are good…too good in fact. I regret that your doomsday is near. I shall release you into the jungle and set my creations loose upon you! The ultimate test of my final solution!”

BD: “You better hope I don’t make it back alive…”

(Black Dynamite kills a man with a crossbow…)

(…then throws a machete that burrows into a man’s head…)

BD: “…Cause your half and half ass is mine!”

(Napalm explosions from planes overhead…)

BRUNHILDA: “You have no hope of escape. No one leaves this island alive. Not you…or your lady acquaintance.”

FORCED INTO DEATH DUELS WITH THE NEW REICH’S GENETIC FREAKS…!

(Black Dynamite & Iron Fist fight off the creatures/ Iron Fist’s Iron Hand shoot darts that gouge out one of the monsters eyes/ Black Dynamite tackles one of the creatures and smashes its head with a big rock…)

SEE BLACK DYNAMITE BATTLE A GIGANTIC SNAKE…!

SEE OTHER CRUEL HORRORS OF THE JUNGLE HELL…EXPERIMENTS OF THE NAZI MADMEN…!

(A giant Trap-door spider pops out of the ground and drags an escaped prisoner into his hole…)

BD: “Look Ching Chong man, I don’t give a shit about who you work for. I spent four years in a jungle shit heap just like this one fightin’ for a cause I could give a damn about! And my government showed me just how much they cared when I got back home. Now, I’m fightin’ for somethin’ I DO believe in! And aint’ you or the jive talkin’ MAN gonna deny me my revenge…”

(Explosions…)

BD: “Can you dig it…?”

BRUNHILDA: “Your man will never come back for you. Soon, you will become the plaything of one of my…children!”

(The creature tries to rip the bars apart…)

BRUNHILDA: “How wonderful! I think he likes you!”

SEE THE NYMPHOMANIACAL SHE-MALE BRUNHILDA VON BLITZKRIEG HAVE HER WAY WITH BOTH MALE…AND FEMALE CAPTIVES…!

AFTER HER LUST IS SATIATED, HER VICTIMS ARE THROWN TO HER CREATIONS TO SATISFY THEIR HELLISH HUNGER FOR HUMAN FLESH…!

(Blood splatters on Brunhilda’s face as a victim is ripped apart. She/He appears to get off on the act…)

IRON FIST: Help is coming. As a precaution, if I don’t report in 72 hours, the CIA pulls the plug on the operation. Tomorrow a group of military specialists will arrive to level this place.”

BD: “And us along with it…”

(Scenes of army guys firing machine guns/ explosions/ planes dropping Napalm nuking the monsters…)

NOT SINCE ILSA, SWEET SWEETBACK & FIVE FINGERS OF DEATH HAS THEIR BEEN MORE UNBRIDLED SCENES OF SAVAGERY & DEATH COMBINED INTO ONE SUPER PRODUCTION STEW OF SEX, GORE & GRAPHIC VIOLENCE…!

(Montage bits of sex, gore & graphic violence…Black Dynamite mowing down Nazis with two machine guns/ Iron Fist bloodily cutting down Nazis with his Iron Hand and its hidden weapons…)

OUTRAGEOUS SCENES OF BRUTALITY FROM BEGINNING TO END! A STUNNING MIX OF BLACK ACTION, KUNG FU & EXPLOITATION THRILLS…!

THUG: “Who do you think you are…nigger?!”

BD: “The name’s Green…”Mean” Willy Green. But most people call me…Black Dynamite…”

(Explosions/ A car is driven through a storefront window in slow motion…)

BD: “…and in a few seconds, this nigger’s gonna own you…!”

(More explosions…)

BD: “Can you dig THAT…?”

IRON FIST: “Hurry, Will! You must find your girlfriend quickly! The bomb will detonate in under ten minutes! There is not much time!”

BRUNHILDA: “There’s still time enough to kill you both!”

ACTION THRILLS RIGHT UP TO THE LAST FRAME…!

(A trapdoor opens to an acid pit below. BD hangs from the edge. Iron Fist fights one of her thugs. Brunhilda steps on BD’s hands to make him fall in…)

A GUARANTEED SLEAZE HIT SENSATION! SOON…ON THIS SCREEN!

BD: “Can you dig it?”

[Jonny]

Very nice, very nice! Just what we had in mind 

Looks like the benchmark has been set!

[Paul]

Definitely a hard act to follow, Commissario. Well done.

[IL COMMISSARIO]

Thanks, I appreciate it. Who knows, maybe in the annals of exploitation cinema a similar movie exists considering this was an amalgamation of ILSA, BEAST IN HEAT, ESCAPE 2000, SLAUGHTER, MR. BIG, CRIPPLED AVENGERS, ENTER THE DRAGON and a couple of others. Not to mention the plethora of totally weird and wacky 70s movies out there languishing in vaults. After all, BRUCE LEE MEETS ILSA IN THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE almost got made!

[death_proof_reg]

Here's my entry... I DID have an idea about a sexploitation/cannibal film based on the adam and eve story but couldnt get it down... so I went with this...

BILLY AND SHELL LOVED EACH OTHER

(Billy waking up to see his girlfreind next to him, they both smile)

Shell: Good morning honey (smiling, they kiss)

(Billy behind Shell in kitchen, kisses neck)

THEY VOWED TO LOVE EACH OTHER FOREVER

Billy: We'll be together forever ok?

(he smiles, Shell smiles back, says yes and they kiss passionately)

but when Billy is murdered

Billy: DONT SHOOT!

(mugger fires and Billy's head bursts open, blood spraying the behind wall, cut to Shell crying down the phone)

SHELL DIDNT KNOW THAT BILLY MEANT IT EVEN THROUGH DEATH

(mugger in car speeding, night, driver is stabbed in the neck from the back seat, then repeatedly stabbed in the stomach, his intestines held in his hands, car crashes into other car)

BUT WHEN SHELL CANT RESIST TEMPTATIONS

(cut to SHELL undressing Alan)

Alan: Are you sure? its not been long since...

(she takes her top off, smiles, and they kiss, cut to them in the shower making love, the glass steaming up, then we see a dirty bloody hand touch from the outside, cut to an eye, tear drips down, cut back to love making)

TITLE, PASSIONS AND DECAPITATIONS, APPEARS ON SCREEN

(guy walking down apartment stairs, smile on his face, he stops when he see's a man missing half his head standing at the bottom of the stairs, cut to the man's head being hacked off in two takes, and rollong down the stairs..

PASSIONS AND DECAPITATIONS

(in cafe with other girl)

Shell: Every second guy I fuck winds up dead, murdered

(cut to Shell in alleyway, kissing Pete)

Shell: I'm hungry, can we go get something to eat?

Pete: I have a better idea (pulls down his jeans and takes her hand, cut to his face, eyes closed, panting heavy)

SWIPE

PASSIONS AND DECAPITATIONS

(look of disbeleif on Pete's face, cut to Shell screaming)

Pete: MY DICK, YOU CUT OFF MY FUCKING DICK!

(he is repeatedly stabbed and his throat is sliced)

Billy looks at Shell

Shell: its you isnt it? Billy?

(Billy nods)

Shell: can you talk?

(Billy shakes head, no)

Shell: you have to stop this Billy! i have a life! youre dead! (crying)

(Billy goes to attack her but the ground swallows him up, cut to Shell crying, releif)

BUT WHEN SHELL DECIDES SHE WANTS TO BE A PORN ACTRESS, BILLY COMES BACK FOR MORE

(montage of soft porn, lesbian kissing, graphic violence, decapitation, repeated stabbings, severed limbs)

PASSIONS AND DECAPITATIONS ON THIS SCREEN SOON

[IL COMMISSARIO]

Cool! Sounds like a cross between NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN meets grungy porn meets DEATHDREAM meets LOVE ME DEADLY!

[Paul]

Well done Reg. 

[Richard C]

Given there's actual competition for this prize I think I'll give it a miss 

[Paul]

Given there's actual competition for this prize I think I'll give it a miss 

Don't be a fence-sitter - get stuck in, Richard. 

[Jonny]

Given there's actual competition for this prize I think I'll give it a miss 

Don't be a fence-sitter - get stuck in, Richard. 

Mate why has your sig picture been pulled?

[Richard C]

Mate why has your sig picture been pulled?

Mine? Not sure - I haven't changed it (at least I don't remember changing it). Will take a look....

[Jonny]

I meant Paul